Happy New Year, everyone!!!
I hope you had a wonderful holiday. Do you have your new year resolutions ready?
Resolutions… I love them. I am the poster child for new year resolutions. I make them every single year. I stick to them for about 2 weeks and I promptly figure out that it is too hard for me. For example, I have been trying to lose weight for the last 5 years. You would think that after 5 years I would have lost at least 5 lbs right? Nope.
In 2012 I hit a new low in attitude. I spent thousands of dollars on failed infertility treatments. I tried to exercise but barely made a dent in my weight. 2012 was an year of fear, uncertainty and failures.
I blamed PCOS. I blamed my lack of energy. I blamed my bad luck. I blamed my work.
It never occurred to me to blame myself. Well, until now.
That is what has given me new hope. This year I will lose weight. By nature, I always concentrate on what I cannot do, which makes me even more depressed and I lose any small motivation I had to keep going. Due to all the uncertainties and fear that clouded me in 2012, I did a lot of introspection too. As much as I hate to accept this fact, the reason for my failures is quite simple – me.
No, I am not accepting sole responsibility. PCOS has wrecked havoc in my life, but instead of falling victim to it and giving it what it wanted, I have dug a hole for myself. I should have fought back. Yes, it is more difficult for me to lose weight than an average person with my weight, but that doesn’t mean I should stop trying. Yes, it is emotionally draining to go through failed cycles every month, but that doesn’t mean I won’t have a child.
What took me so long to recognize my problem? Simply put, nothing. I guess in my heart of hearts I already know the problem is me, I didn’t want to accept it. Why? Was it my ego? My laziness? I read books after books on forming new habits. My husband has been trying to talk sense into me forever. Then it hit me.
It is grief!
Yep. It has taken me 5 long years to go through the 5 stages of grief. I am grieving the fact that I have PCOS. Up until 2007 I was not sure if I had PCOS as I don’t actually have ovarian cysts. Only in 2007 did my gynecologist do a full hormone panel and insulin resistance tests and confirm that I indeed did have PCOS.
Ever since then, I have been trying to educate myself with more and more information. Now that I think back, my actions have clearly fit the pattern of the 5 stages of grief.
I was in denial initially. Tried to change doctors to make sure she was right. I crossed this stage pretty quickly.
Then I was angry. Angry at pretty much everyone. I was very emotional at that time. I was angry with myself that somehow I let this happen. I was angry at the doctor for not showing me how to fix this.
That was the time I started bargaining. I prayed and cried a lot. I was willing to give all the money I have to get my old body back.
Nothing worked, I went into depression. I lingered in this stage for quite sometime. Nothing is going to work anyway, so what is the point. I am fit for nothing. I am not a woman, who will like me. I switched back and forth between anger and depression for quite sometime.
Well, here I am. I am still not sure I have completely reached the acceptance stage. But I know two things for sure – I have PCOS and if I let it take me over, I will have PCOS for ever. I am going to channel my anger into combating my feelings of depression.
Everyone has something that they wish was different – their significant other, career, relatives, finances, health. Of everything that could have gone bad, PCOS is not the worst of the pile. It is mild compared to what many others who are stronger than me have gone through. I don’t feel good. I don’t feel beautiful. I can’t have a child on my own. Big deal. I have a husband who thinks I am beautiful. I have a family who supports me. I have a heart brimming with love for any child in my life – by birth or adopted.
I can do this. Every time I hear a voice inside my head that says I am not worth it, I have to remind myself that to my husband I’m worth everything. So this year, I will lose weight. I will fight my urge to go back into depression and I will enjoy my life more. I do have an excellent life!
As a first step, a baby step, I have a goal of losing 4% of my body weight by Jan 31st.
- Current weight : 173.4 lbs
- Target weight : 166.4 lbs
I will update my weight every Friday starting Jan 4th, 2013. Here I go!